Who's Imagining Who?
by Me
Summary: After Calvin insults Susie in front of the class, her sitter gives her an idea that really rattles Calvin - Susie writes & reads a story saying Calvin is just a figment of Hobbes' imagination


Once a script for a website that got taken down, it was going to be turned into a story eventually. Since the site is now down, here is the story ahead of schedule.  
  
WHO'S IMAGINING WHO?  
  
Spaceman Spiff, Defender of the Galaxy from Girls and Other Freaky Aliens, stood in front of a group of top scientists, scientists eager to hear of his latest discovery.  
  
"This is a very special creature that I am here to show you today. It was obtained from the planet Zeta 9-B. And, I have it on good authority, from my travels in Galaxy Q-86..." Spaceman Spiff reported.  
  
Oh, no, Miss Wormwood thought to herself. "Calvin, quit the funny stuff and tell us about this lizard you brought for Show and Tell!" the boy's first grade teacher commanded.  
  
Calvin continued to exist in the person of Spaceman Spiff despite the command - which to him was something like "asj cijpa aspo lsdjo." "...And, this top secret spy reports that there are creatures like this, walking around as normal human beings, just waiting for the right moment to terrorize us!"  
  
"That is enough, Calvin. Sit down!"  
  
"Don't let their strange charms fool you. They make you think they're so sweet, but such a lizard lady exists in our town ready to steal your brain by the name of Susie Derk-..."  
  
Miss Wormwood had him by the collar and was dragging him by now. "Calvin, that is enough. I want to speak to you outside!"  
  
"Zounds, the lizard people are appearing as I speak! Run for your lives!" Spaceman Spiff shouted as he was dragged out the door by the "giant lizard lady."  
  
While the others snickered at Calvin, Susie fumed as he was given a very stern lecture. How dare he say things like that? Oh, well, the class's second short story assignment was due next Monday. If she could only think of a way to get him back...  
  
No, she told herself, she didn't want to be mean. But, she wanted to get him back, too, to show him she was not to be trifled with, just as at other times, when she had to get physical, or pelt him with water balloons. But, how would she fight this one?  
  
Missy Lincoln smiled warmly that evening as she poured imaginary tea for Susie, her babysitting charge, and Susie's stuffed bunny, Mr. Bun. "I'm glad my first year of college is over for the year and I can babysit you again."  
  
"Your younger sister is cool. But, you're the best!" Susie remarked as she sipped the imaginary tea. She still had two more weeks of school; Missy's college let out early.  
"How is that boy next door? Is he still bugging you?"  
  
"Is he ever! Yesterday tops it, though. He had the nerve to tell everyone in our class that I was a lizard lady from someplace that disguised myself as a person until I had everyone trusting me, and then I was going to terrorize them and steal their brains! Grrrr, I'm tempted to write a story about him that really socks it to him. We have another short story due in a few days. Last time I wrote about a little girl's trip to Disneyworld, where she gets to be Princess for a Day." She had gone there last summer, though she hadn't received that honor she'd heard about it. "But this time..."  
  
"Well, you don't want to be too rough on him." Susie sighed and agreed. She hated to be mean, though she could certainly fight back when Calvin was too vicious. Especially in water balloon fights. "But you know, I had a course this semester on Philosophy."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
Missy thought about how to explain it on Susie's first grade level. "It's a study of how people look at the world, I guess. Some philosophers have weird ideas."  
  
"Not as weird as Calvin. He imagines he's some goofy superhero, a space explorer, sometimes I think he even thinks he's a tiger, just like his stuffed tiger, Hobbes. Who seems to be his only friend," she finished lowly.  
  
"There you go." Missy whispered into Susie's ear. As she listened to the idea, she broke into an enormous grin, as if a thousand-watt light bulb had lit up inside her head. Susie started rubbing her hands as Missy bent back up and spoke normally. "How does that sound for an idea?"  
  
"Awesome! It'll serve him right - and still be fun."  
  
The following Monday after afternoon recess, Susie sighed as Calvin began his story. And, as Miss Wormwood tried to make him stop.  
  
Calvin, however, insisted he was simply adhering to the spirit of the assignment. "You told us to be creative. And, my dad said that no story had ever been written from a booger's point of view!"  
  
"Sit DOWN, Calvin," Miss Wormwood exclaimed. Sighing, she mumbled "five years till retirement," then said, "We'll see what your mother has to say about this so-called 'story' you wrote." She wrote out a note that she somehow knew Calvin would likely never let his mom see, but she wrote it anyway.  
  
Susie offered to go next. Finally, some relief, Miss Wormwood thought to herself. Calvin's story had begun with a booger that got on someone's sleeve, was put on someone else's seat, went onto another kid's pants, and went several other places, making everything that it touched gross. Susie would be normal, though.  
"Thank you, Ma'am. Once upon a time, there was a stuffed cat named Bobs."  
  
"Hmpf. What a dumb name for a cat. Were there two of him?" Calvin snorted.  
  
"Calvin, be quiet," the teacher pleaded.  
  
"But if there's just one of him he should be named Bob! Her writing gets dumber every day!"  
  
"Be quiet, or you will spend the rest of this lesson time with the principal!"  
  
"Thank you, Miss Wormwood. Anyway, Bobs had an owner who was rather old. But, Bobs made her feel very young, and safe, and happy. Just like when she was little and had stuffed animals.  
  
"However, Bobs missed all the fun of being with a kid in this nursing home. So, he made up his own adventures. He imagined there was a boy named Colin, in first grade. This boy loved to pick on girls, and pretend he was a superhero, and many other fun things. And soon, just as Bobs had become real for his owner before she grew up and gave him to her grandmother, Colin became real to Bobs."  
  
As Susie detailed Colin's adventures, Calvin considered that this kid might actually make a nice playmate. Until...some of the adventures sounded all too familiar. He was afraid to say anything, though. If he did, it might clue Miss Wormwood in to one in particular - his involvement in the Noodle Incident.  
  
"Nobody ever knew who did that to the noodles to make them so yucky. But, if you ever hear of - or see - an imaginary boy named Colin, you'll know," Susie finished mysteriously.  
  
Miss Wormwood laughed. Nobody did know who had snuck slimy stuff into the sauce last year to make the noodles look so yucky. Susie certainly couldn't have - and while she suspected Calvin had, she couldn't prove it. Nobody could. Susie probably has the same suspicions, the teacher said to herself.  
  
Oh, well, it was over with now; over a year later the only thing that mattered was that the story be contained, so it didn't become something of legend, something kids would want to repeat. "Very good, Susie, and a fun use of real events. I guess 'Colin' is just as good an explanation as any to that, huh? And, I'm certain we won't see any repeats of that incident; someone could have gotten very sick if anyone had actually eaten that," she said to the class as a warning. "You may sit down."  
  
Calvin was livid at the hints of being imaginary, he was scared because of the noodles being brought back up, he was...what wasn't he right then? Once the children were on the bus on the way home, he scolded Susie, "I can't believe you'd write a story like that about me!"  
  
"You're the one who called me a 'lizard lady.' Besides, the boy's name is Colin, not Calvin."  
"Come on, anyone with any brains will know that story was about me!"  
  
"I guess that means only the girls will know," Susie said, snickering. Calvin stared daggers at her. Realizing that was a little mean, she blushed and said, "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. But, you drive me to want to say these things."  
  
"I drive...your story...you...that..." Calvin was at a total loss for words.  
  
Susie grinned mischievously and triumphantly as they stood to leave the bus. "Face it, Calvin. You're a figment of Hobbes' imagination, and you don't even know it."  
  
Calvin gawked at her, almost forgetting to leave the bus himself. "WHAT?!" His mouth hung open for several seconds as he stood statuesque before he finally departed.  
  
Moments later, he stomped up to his room, threw his bookbag on the ground, and forgot to even yell at Hobbes for reading his comic books. "I've got to prove to Susie I exist!"  
  
"Woo hoo hoo, I knew it!" Hobbes sang, "Calvin's, Calvin's, Calvin's in love."  
  
"Not that way, you two-bit fleabrain!"  
  
Hobbes jumped at the insult. "Whoa," he began, suddenly getting on his serious face. "This must be something really bad. Usually I'm just a fleabrain, not a two-bit one."  
  
"You bet it is! She wrote a whole story and read it to the class about this kid named Colin and how this stuffed cat named Bobs just imagines him till he becomes real!. That's all Colin is is a figment of Bobs' imagination! And anyone could tell it was really about me!"  
  
"That is bad; especially if she pronounced it like you're saying, colon. Do you realize what your colon is?!" The tiger rubbed his chin, then continued. "Hmmm, although considering your story about Bill the Booger, maybe that wouldn't be so gross to you after all."  
  
"Don't mention that story."  
  
"What, they didn't let you read it?"  
"Not after the first few sentences, no."  
  
"You must have talked pretty fast to get through the first few." He caught Calvin's glare, and spoke on the topic that actually concerned him. "So, you're bothered that Susie thinks you're just a figment of my imagination."  
  
"Exactly. How do I prove to her that I'm real?"  
  
"How do you know you are?"  
"I...Hey! Don't you start on me now!"  
  
"Just checking. I imagined you were going to get me a tuna sandwich. Since you didn't, you must be real."  
  
"Exactly! Hmmm, this requires some top secret G.R.O.S.S. planning. As President and Dictator for Life, I order you to come up with a plan!"  
  
"Well, certainly, I have one already in mind. But, it will require a special measure of valor on the part of our esteemed Dictator for Life's part."  
  
Calvin put his hands on his hips. "And why couldn't you do it?"  
  
"Because, tigers are masters of the art of stealth technology. We sneak up on our prey. That's how we always approach it when pelting Susie with water balloons. However, she must know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this water balloon is from you. She'll be wet; then she'll know you exist."  
  
"Hmmm. You have a point; she's never seen me actually throw one at her face to face, at point blank range." He deliberately left out the numerous times he'd come face to face with her, about to throw one, when suddenly he got pelted with one himself. "Okay, we'll do it."  
  
A while later, Susie was changing a doll's dress in her front yard. This is the perfect time, Calvin thought to himself as he and Hobbes observed from their treehouse.  
  
He strolled out the garden spigot and filled a balloon up while shouting, "Hello, Susie!" He hummed. Susie wasn't paying attention. Maybe she did think Calvin was unreal. Well, he would soon prove her wrong.  
  
He sang very badly at the top of his lungs while marching over to Susie. He stood in front of her and held the balloon high above his head. "Susie, it is I, Calvin! Do not try to flee! I will have you know, that from this day forward you shall know that I exist, because..Hey! What...Ooompf!" A large splash resounded as the balloon impacted against Calvin's head. Susie had grabbed it from his hand as he spoke and thrown it at him, point blank.  
Hobbes snickered from the treehouse as Calvin climbed back into it. "You talk too much," he told the Dictator for Life.  
  
"Oh, shut your mouth and give me a Plan B, quick!"  
  
"Hey, that plan would have been perfect if you hadn't kept running your big mouth."  
  
"Look, furball, I'm the Dictator for Life, and I say that was the lousiest plan ever invented."  
  
"Oh, yeah! Well, as President and First Tiger I charge you with incompetence and hereby remove you from office."  
  
"You can't do that, I'm Supreme High Commander and I declare all your declarations null and void!"  
  
"Oh, yeah? Well, I'm the Supreme Ruler of All Things, and I declare you really don't exist!"  
  
"Well, I'm the Supreme Ruler of all Supreme Rulers, and I declare everyone shall feel my wrath, especially you," he said, grabbing Hobbes and throwing him to the floor.  
  
"Even you?" Hobbes asked as the fisticuffs continued.  
  
"Even me...hey, wait a minute," Calvin said as they continued to spar.  
  
A short time later, battered and bruised, Calvin and Hobbes rested after going into Calvin's house to get bandaged up. "Phew," Hobbes said.  
  
"I told you I was real," Calvin remarked, trying to think of some way to show Susie that.  
  
Calvin's mom looked up from stitching them up and said, "I'm not even going to begin to try to understand that."  
  
Once they were outside int he clubhouse again, Hobbes admitted that Calvin definitely was real. "Hmmm, you could take a crayon and make a mark on her hand."  
  
"True. Especially if she's holding you."  
  
"Me?!"  
  
"Yeah, you. She'll know you couldn't have made me to it since your right there."  
  
Later, Calvin approached, Susie, and asked her to hold Hobbes for a minute. Then, he took out a magic marker - it would require more effort to wash - and drew a line on Susie's hand. "Thanks," he said to her as he took Hobbes back."  
  
"Now I know you've flipped. What in the world was that for?"  
  
"It's simple." He capped the pen and said, "You had hold of Hobbes. At no time did he hold this pen. So, I must exist."  
  
Susie breathed deeply. "Calvin, I know you exist. Unfortunately," she finished lowly.  
  
"Are you sure? I've convinced you?" He breathed a sigh of relief. "Good. I was having trouble convincing Hobbes for a while. Although I never moved to the ocean and became a tuna fisherman so I could wait on him hand and foot with tuna whenever he wanted. So, I think he got the hint."  
  
"Calvin, I always knew you existed. I just told that story because I was so upset over you calling me names and saying I was going to terrorize people. I actually got the idea from my sitter. She said some philosophers have believed we're just imagining everything. So I figured it would be simple to write a story about Hobbes imagining you?"  
  
"Philosophers?"  
  
"Right. Those are people who think about how the world works and write about it."  
  
"Cool. So, does that mean I'm a philosopher when I say girls are actually some strange, cootie-filed species from a distant planet?"  
  
With a solemn shake of her head, Susie said, "No, it just means you're really weird." 


End file.
